Patriot Games: London's Biggest Racist Festival Since the Empire
By our staff cynic
London finally got its "big day out," though not the kind you'd see on a VisitBritain advert. More than 110,000 people gathered in Whitehall for what organisers billed as a "festival of free speech," which turned out to be less Glastonbury and more Glastonbigotry.
A Riot of Free Expression
Tommy Robinson (real name Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, stage name: Britain's Answer to the BNP) welcomed his followers with stalls flogging such titles as Manifesto: Free Speech, Real Democracy, Peaceful Disobedience and Mohammed's Koran: Why Muslims Kill for Islam. Nothing says "peaceful disobedience" like bottles, flares, and 26 injured police officers.
Meanwhile, marchers expressed themselves through that most ancient of cultural traditions: chanting "Keir Starmer's a w@&£er" to the tune of Seven Nation Army. Clearly, Britain is not short of lyricists.
Guest Stars From the Far-Right Cinematic Universe
The lineup was as star-studded as a Comic Con for racists. Elon Musk phoned in, demanding the "dissolution of the UK parliament"—a bold request from a man who can't dissolve Twitter bots. French far-right darling Éric Zemmour gave his usual sermon about "the great replacement," proving he can still recycle material even more effectively than France recycles wine bottles.
For entertainment, Destiny Church from New Zealand offered a haka—because nothing says "defend Britain" like outsourcing your culture war choreography to the Southern Hemisphere.
The People Speak (Badly)
Among the patriotic pilgrims was a Merseyside mother in a wheelchair holding a Charlie Kirk sign. She insisted the event wasn't racist because, as she recalled, "I lived amongst neighbours from Africa, Pakistan; we were all one." In other words: "Some of my best friends were Black—back in the 1970s."
Her son chimed in with the classic line: "I just want our country back." Back from whom? Amazon drivers? Takeaway chefs? Anyone with a vowel at the end of their surname?
Another woman from south Wales said the UK needs to "come together," presumably by splitting into two separate marches (one fascist, one anti-fascist) and then throwing bottles at each other.
Violence, But Make It Patriotic
Police reported 25 arrests, with offences ranging from affray and violent disorder to criminal damage. One officer was left with a prolapsed disc, proving that nationalism is not only bad for democracy but also for back health.
Assistant Commissioner Matt Twist condemned the "wholly unacceptable" level of violence, which must be a police euphemism for "we got walloped."
The Counterpoint
While Tommy's carnival of conspiracy theories rocked Whitehall, 5,000 counter-protesters marched under trade union banners elsewhere in central London. Diane Abbott reminded the crowd that Robinson's allies are "some of the most anti-women forces in society." Translation: they shout about "protecting women" while opposing equal pay and calling sexual harassment "banter."
Final Thought
Robinson declared: "Britain has finally awoken." Judging by the chants, the books on sale, and the guest speakers, it seems the nation hasn't so much awoken as sleepwalked straight into a pub lock-in with a BNP karaoke machine.
Britain: still great at queues, tea, and delusion.
