Ace My Votes | Satirical Politics for A-Level Brains
Title: SNP's "Three-Point Plan" for Independence: Heat, Hope, and Holyrood Hail Marys
In an inspired act of political deja vu, John Swinney has dusted off the well-worn SNP playbook and unveiled what he grandly calls a "three-point plan" to finally deliver Scottish independence — or, as the rest of us might call it, "Wishful Thinking: The Sequel."
Addressing the nation via The National (because nothing says bold strategy like a paywalled pep talk), the First Minister promised to "turn up the heat" on Westminster, which must be terrifying for Keir Starmer, who is reportedly still recovering from the mild warmth Nicola Sturgeon left on his inbox.
Let's break down Swinney's big plan:
Point One: Make Independence Popular Again™
Yes, that's right. The first revolutionary step in the independence masterplan is… to make people want independence. Genius. Apparently, after ten years of shouting "Now is the time!", the new approach is shouting it slightly louder.
Point Two: Pressure Westminster
Because if there's one thing Rishi Sunak, Keir Starmer and their successors respond to, it's being scolded from Edinburgh. Swinney declared he's "ready to turn the heat up on Westminster", though critics suggest he's more likely to get a response if he just turned the thermostat in the Scottish Parliament past "lukewarm."
Point Three: Win an Election
The pièce de résistance of the plan? An emphatic SNP win in 2026. Because of course, what better way to achieve constitutional upheaval than… another Holyrood landslide. And in case you forgot that only the SNP can lead Scotland to independence, don't worry — Swinney reminded us. Again. And again. And again.
Critics Unite (Finally, Something the Independence Movement Can Agree On)
Neale Hanvey of Alba responded with the kind of optimism that makes Eeyore look like Tony Robbins:
"There's no strategy here, just the same old song. Waiting for a miracle."
SNP's former besties, the Scottish Greens, chimed in with their own Scottish-accented eyeroll. Patrick Harvie said:
"To call this a strategy would be stretching the definition of the word."
(AKA: "Thanks for nothing, John.")
Even Labour and the Tories managed to form a rare bipartisan moment — a unionist symphony of scunnered sighs and sceptical smirks.
Scottish Labour's Dame Jackie Baillie accused Swinney of "hitting the independence panic button", which is presumably located right next to the "let's blame Westminster" lever.
Meanwhile, the Scottish Tories' Rachael Hamilton, speaking for exhausted group chats everywhere, declared:
"Scots are scunnered with the SNP's endless obsession with independence."
Generation Next, or Just the Next Generation?
Swinney also reminded us that by the next Parliament, a million new voters will have come of age — voters who were either too young or not even born during the 2014 vote. Conveniently, this sidesteps the fact that many of them will have also come of age during the SNP's golden age of ferries that don't sail and hospitals that don't open.
Final Thoughts
In a nutshell, Swinney's "three-point plan" boils down to:
- Hope people change their minds.
- Shout at London until they cave.
- Vote SNP harder.
Call it what you like — a strategy, a slogan, or a stirring call to arms — but one thing's for sure: it's not the fresh start Scotland needs. It's just another lap around the constitutional roundabout.
Ace My Votes: Because British Politics Should Be Marked for Satire, Not Just for Exams.
